Coping with emotions

It's been busy still in my Bristolian world.
I have had a very fruitful, so far, meeting with
Cirwen's teachers.

They have expressed a lot of praises. Not only
problems. Cirwen has a very strong personality.
She knows who she is and what she wants. She
also does express her individuality in many ways.
One of the teachers pointed out that this usually
happens with children in years 9 -11, around the
age of 14 -16. In this way my girl appears more
mature. This is what they are drawn to. She may
be interesting but also intimidating, which leads
to friendship or teasing.

It is all understandable, however Cirwen has lost
the ability to judge the behaviour of others towards
her. Any kind of comment or question regarding
her looks or character, she sees as attack and the
act of bullying.

Her own behaviour became erratic. She goes to
school in a very defensive mood bordering paranoia.
She is unable to confront teasing in a calm, rational
manner. A lot of the times she bursts into tears and
leaves the classroom.

Teachers I spoke to admitted there were a few bullying
incidents which have been dealt with and taken very
seriously. Most of the time, however, these are the
cases of almost harmless remarks or bickering. Any
other person would be able to ignore or brush off such
things, yet Cirwen cannot.

Her need to be accepted, fear of confrontation, and
slowly degrading self confidence are overwhelming.
As any autistic person, she finds it difficult to cope
with strong emotions. At this point, she can't cope at
all. Tears appear in her eyes when I ask her to tidy
up her room as she is scared I will tell her off (where
there is no intention from me to do so). Instead of
anticipating something good, she anticipates the worst.

I do not know yet how we will deal with it. At the
moment, when we watch her programs I try to point
and discuss with Cirwen the characters' behaviour
in difficult situations. I'm looking for social stories
as well.

At school she will have a diary to write down her
experiences everyday. Once a week one of the
teachers will read it with her and try to help Cirwen
see the difference between serious bullying and
easy to deal with teasing. Since Cirwen's "specialty"
are words, this should be enjoyable, but also could
help her in making a better judgement of events.

I am still looking for advice and resources. It is
going to be a long journey and time consuming.
But I know we will find a way. We always do...

It's a jungle out there...

I haven't been around as much as would like to.
I have read my blogs I follow, but didn't have
enough time to comment.

Little Dragon just started to go to a nursery for
two and a half hours a day. In the afternoon, so
my day is broken up into short intervals. He is
loving it and first day was without a drama. Just
a simple "Bye mum!". Completely different from
his sister, who sent me on a right guilt trip with
a proper scream, holding to my leg till I ran in
shame.

And now again, although without the dramas, I
feel guilty. I feel guilty for having to pretend it's
all going to be fine soon. But I don't know if it will
be fine.

Cirwen has been bullied at school and after school
on the way to the bus stop. One day, during a lunch
break, a group of kids through plastic bottles and
stones at her. Nothing actually hit her, but she was
upset and scared. She is constantly pushed to the end
of the queue at lunch, so she is late for lessons.
Another day she called me in tears, as one boy through
a stone after her with insults, and threatened to beat
her up. Yesterday she got into a fight with another girl.

These incidents have been reported to the headmistress
and some steps have been taken. Cirwen will attend
a lunch club, where they have a separate room to eat
and hang during breaks. She has an assigned "buddy",
an older girl who will help her resolve such situations.

It's all good, but is it a right course of action? The school
separated the victims of bulling. Yet I haven't heard what
they going to do with the bullies. Shouldn't those hooligans
be separated from the healthy minded kids?!

This way, the school created a group of children, who now
will be marked as victims. A easy target. They might have
as well stick a sign on their heads saying "hit me!".

Some of the bullying goes after the children leave the premises.
Obviously, there is nothing teachers can do about it. My hands
however, are tied too. If i come and pick her up everyday, she'll
gain another label of a "baby", "sissy" or whatever they call it now.
I have to keep sending her to school and just hope she will be far
away from those she knows are nasty.

She puts her brave little face on and she goes to school. Because
she likes it, she likes the teachers and she likes her new friends
she made. Yet, I can see, there is a little bit of fear, of what bad
might happen as well. Although, both my husband and myself
told her to stand up and don't wait for the first punch any more.
No one likes to be hit. Even bullies.

We'll see. The lunch club and the "buddy" have just been
introduced on Monday. We'll see how it will affect her life.

We'll see. Yet, I still feel guilty. For choosing this school,
(although others wouldn't be any better), for my determination,
to teach Cirwen live independently, for saying it's going to be
better, for telling her now to fight for herself even with fists.

For not telling her earlier - it's a jungle out there...

Back on track

Thank you all for your concern and encouraging
comments. It means a lot to me, to know that from
a far someone cares.

Cirwen recovered over the weekend after the incident
and decided to travel to school on her own following
Monday. She is very cautious and so far there was no
problems on the road. She's happy and confident again.

Yesterday, however, something happened out of ordinary
and she panicked. She went to the bus stop as usual. She
was on time, yet two buses didn't stop. (Here's the public
transport in UK... it does happen a lot. Often for no reason,
sometimes, because the bus is full).
Cirwen called me panicking, that she will be late and sent
to the "duty room", which apparently is horrible. She
couldn't understand why it happened, she thought that one
of the drivers "glared at her angrily". She was a mess.
It took me a good few minutes to explain to her, that she
still had to wait for another bus, which WOULD stop, that
these things happen and we can't really help it. I also
promised her I would call the school and explain why she
was late. She calmed down and agreed she would take the
next bus and walk the rest of the way as fast as she could.
As a result, Cirwen stood on that bus stop for 20 minutes...
and still was at school on time. She called again with relief
to let me know.

Such a small change of routine. Unpredictable incident.
I knew it happens, yet I forgot to warn her that British
drivers sometimes miss a stop, make mistakes or just
cannot take another person on board.

For me, something like this is just another annoying fact
of life. For Cirwen, it was confusion and fear. We both learn
from situations like that.

Cirwen knows, she can always call me for advice. I will have
to consider all the possible odds, to prepare her for anything
what can happen when she will start to venture further into the world.
That's a lot to predict. I won't be able to warn her of everything.
I guess, time will show. Many, many panicky calls to come...

... And the fall

I spoke too soon. I have received a call from
Cirwen this afternoon. She was hit by a car
while crossing the road with her two friends.

The driver "didn't see them running..."
He didn't bother to wait for me to get there
as well.

Cirwen was hit in a leg, but so far not even a bruise.
Luckily, the car was not moving fast and stopped
in time just about clipping her side.

She was scared, shocked, and trembling when
I finally got there. Her friends waited with her.
All they could say, the driver was acting strange
and said he was a police worker. I don't think
he was telling the truth, otherwise, he would stay
to confront me. If he didn't drive fast, how come
he didn't see the three girls?!

All I know now, I have a few more white hairs
on my head, and many, many months of work
with Cirwen on independence, travelling to
school and all the rest might have gone to waste.
We'll see. She has weekend to get over it, but
today she asked if I could come with her on Monday.
All that, because of one dodgy driver...

Success!

I am soo proud!
I expected to accompany Cirwen to and from school
at least till the end of this month. How wrong I was!

We are just two weeks into the school year and my
brave girl has already come back home on her own
twice.

Yesterday, she asked if she could go to school alone.
I went through the landmarks, armed her in her
mobile phone in case of emergency ... armed myself
in patience ... and off she went.

It was the longest few hours of the morning ever.
Around 9.30am I stopped worrying. She didn't call
me in distress, and the school didn't call me to ask
why she didn't attend the lessons. Guessed then she'd
made it.

I realise now, that I should give Cirwen more credit
than I usually do. She is capable of so much more
than I let her. I suppose because of Cirwen's autistic
nature, my judgement is often biased. Based not only
on experience first hand, but also other parents' stories
I fear. I became overprotective and maybe create
the atmosphere, where she feels threatened by the
world more than she should?

It is so hard though, to find the golden middle. To find
the point where common sense and healthy parenting
do not cross the boundary towards crippling love, putting
the child in the glass jar. Like The Little Prince, I have to
let my Rose grow no matter the weather. She'll survive.

Busy, nervous and excited

It's been a busy several days.
Preparation to the new school year in the new
school.

Shoes, uniform, accessories... shopping, planning
and my nervousness, Cirwen's excitement.
Phew!

She started school on the 3rd of September, walked
proudly in her black school blazer, white shirt and
purple tie. God, she looked so grown up!

It's been a few days since the start. She is loving
her new school, all they do even the homework
given on their first day.

I am less and less nervous and stressed. Although
it's just the beginning and we have to get used to
travel by public bus.

After her induction days and these few recent trips,
we play the game on the bus. She has to tell me where
to get off or where we are, because I can't remember.
This way she learns to look for landmarks to navigate
her way. She now is confident on the way back, as
it is easy to spot remarkable building of the local pub.
However, she still has difficulty with the way to school.
Unfortunately, the bus stop is in the residential area,
where houses are pretty much all the same... She has to
remember which way and how many turns the bus does
before the stop. I hope it will be good few weeks, before
she gets the drift. Till then, I'm with her.

Social skills

I always perceived social skills as something
partly learned and partly innate. Depending
on the personality we make friends more or
less easily, yet we do know instinctively how
to make a conversation whether it is about
our interests or weather.

People with autism are born without this innate
ability to socialise. Because a lot of them can't
see the difference between people and objects,
they don't have the urge to socialise, or need to
bond.

Before Cirwen was diagnosed with ASD, I found
it very strange, that she would babble more to
her dolls than me. She bonded with me very
strongly, yet she would not allow to be left alone
with her father. He spent the same amount of
time with her as me, he was good for a quick game
of rough and tumble or sharing his food, but only
when I was present. It was difficult for both of us.
My husband hurt when she wouldn't come for a hug
to him, or screamed uncontrollably until I came back
from a corner shop. I could not leave home without
Cirwen unless she slept. At some point it was so bad,
that she sat on my lap when I was in the toilet....

We didn't know why and we didn't know how to
deal with it. Then she started a pre-school for
three hours a day and slowly, but not without
initial screams and tantrums, she learned to let
go of me. She engaged in play with other children,
although most of the time she would rather play
alongside them.

During snack times, she preferred to sit in a corner
on her own rather, than at the table with the others.
The pre-school teacher was the one, who picked up
the signs and filed for assessment.

The diagnosis came a year later when Cirwen was
just over 4 years old. From here things went
easier for us, as we found out the reasons and looked
for solutions.

At school, Cirwen quickly made friends with a girl
from the neighbourhood. Yet, when we invited
another girl to play, she became a bit irritated.
I noticed, she could play with only one girl at a time.
Having both of them confused her and she didn't
know how to divide her attention to two girls
in the same time.

When she became more vocal, we started to teach
her how to have a conversation and keep it on track.
She had to be taught, that she has to give
someone a chance to answer her question, or to voice
their opinion. We had to explain to her, that she needs
to keep on topic if the other person is interested in
pursuing it. Cirwen had to learn to let others talk
about things they are interested, even though it's
not her favourite topic. Taking turns and learning
not to interrupt others was the most difficult for
her to take in.

Autistic mind is very self absorbed, therefore
consideration of others is not an innate need or
ability.

Now, Cirwen is able to converse, yet still finds
it difficult to have a small talk and to wait her
turn to join a conversation. As she once said:
"What's the point of talking about the weather?
Everyone can see if it's raining or not!"

She is now strongly bonded with her father and
is making up for the lost time, becoming the
"Daddy's girl".

Cirwen has learned to interact with larger group of
children as well, which makes her social life much
easier. There are still many things she needs to
learn about people, but I'm taking it slowly, as the
issues arise. Theory is not her strongest thing as
well.